I have had several talks with myself about the pros and cons of posting publicly about one's personal experience with depression, but I have ultimately opted to keep going with this. Wix doesn't tell me who reads my post and my post from yesterday got 7 views. I know one of the readers, but that leaves 6 I don't.
I am going to keep posting about my experiences in case whoever reads this finds encouragement. I can't stress enough that no matter how crappy depression can feel, continuing to live and find ways past it is the only answer.
Mornings are the worst. I don't know if that's the case for all depressed people. I wake up wishing that I hadn't. How easy it would be to sleep forever and never have to deal with work, never have to deal with house cleaning, never have to deal with the weekly trips to Marlboro to clean someone else's house and bathe a cat. I truly don't mind helping Dave's mom, although I'm sure it doesn't sound that way. I used to spend Saturday mornings in recovery mode from the work week, and not being able to do that anymore is the issue, not helping Dave's mom.
Tiki and Andy wake me up at the same time every morning, which is not so good on weekends, but seeing those two furry faces every AM does help. Once I'm up, I have coffee and go on the computer. I am at this step right now.
I check e-mails and fool around with my budget. I am always fooling around with my budget, hoping to find some magic number that will enable me to retire right this minute, lol.
There is no magic number.
Anyway, I belong to a Neighborhood group online and have learned long ago never to post anything unless I want to be skewered by words written by people who have never met me. This morning, I read a post about someone who was attacked and bitten by a loose dog. The hateful posts this guy got are unimaginable.
A few weeks ago, I was nearly charged by a German Shepherd who had gotten loose. I posted on the Ayer Neighborhood board to warn people, especially those with children, and incurred so much wrath and hatred over a post that was meant to be helpful that I deleted myself out of the group. After much consternation, I decided to reply to this guy's post. I thanked him for letting us know this had happened and keeping everyone's safety in mind. Can't wait to see what kind of hate mail I will receive from this. The need to support this guy was greater than the need to remain un-skewered.
Geez, no wonder I'm depressed.
Okay, moving on. So, the 4th of July is my most favorite holiday. It's summer in full swing, and the days are long and hot, full of sunshine and teeming with life. Trees sprouting their leaves, colorful flowers in bloom and many hours of daylight. A three day weekend and my annual "date" with Keith Lockhart.
Except that I am not feeling it. Eh. So what. Nonetheless, I am going to park myself in front of the TV, knit or crochet in hand, surrounded by cats and watch the July 4th Boston Pops celebration. Hopefully the piccolos will do their solo this year for Stars and Stripes Forever. They didn't do it last year, and I actually had to go online to hear a previous years rendition because I felt incomplete without it. I never said I was normal, lol, but I am harmless :)
Tomorrow I will have to drag my very tired self onsite to a cold, empty office where only managers roam. My co-accountant will be there too, along with our awesome summer intern, so I am making this sound worse than it is. Our summer intern, MS, is The Gift of Summer 2022. I'll go more into detail on another post, but I am finally getting the help I desperately need and the realization that it's the VOLUME, not ME, who is the PROBLEM!!!!! Imagine that!!!! Our CFO, Mr. Tact Himself, grills MS right in front of me on what work did I give him, how did I show him how to do it and does it really take that long? Well, now you have your answer, Mr. CFO. I keep MS busy most of the day. I am still busy all day long. Any questions?
Oops, off track again, but my job is a big part of my depression. You can tell me to change my resume, wear a nice suit and apply to 100 different jobs, but fact of the matter is, I am almost 60, I am a woman and I don't have a DEGREE, oh my God, no DEGREE! Experience means nothing in our modern world. I am no longer employable as a Staff Accountant.
Okay, so, where was I? Ah yes, despite my current lack of enthusiasm, I intend on keeping my "date" with Keith Lockhart tonight no matter how crappy I feel.
Have a wonderful 4th!