Monday, April 27, 2020 Day 179 of Pandemic 2020 (unofficial)

There is so much I want to do with this website, but time is NOT on my side, Mick Jagger :)

Last Saturday I was all set to really post something real and relevant, only to end up on my couch most of the day battling depression. It was too lovely a day for depression, as it was a warm, beautiful and vibrant spring day, but sometimes mind over body just doesn't work. The worst thing a depressed person can do is isolate, but I actually find it helpful sometimes, as long as it is a short period of time. I am careful to get out there again after my day on the couch.

My counselor says my mother created this life long depression for me when I was a child while my PCP says it is clinical. My PCP put me on all the anti-depressants out there, but none of them worked. The side effects were terrible, and one of the drugs I was on created an insatiable desire to shred my own arms. I distinctly remember the Sunday afternoon I was singing at Margaret and Richard's house, looking down at my arms and wanting to scratch them until they were bloody pulps. I was frightened by that experience and quit the pills cold turkey, thereby suffering shakes and headaches for a few days from sudden withdrawal. I have come to the conclusion that my counselor is correct, not my PCP.

No one should ever spend their lives lamenting the bad things that have happened to them; rather, they should learn from their experiences and count the blessings they have. Easier said than done at times though.

20% of the American population is now unemployed. During the Great Depression, 25% of the population was unemployed. I am employed; I am lucky. Simultaneously though, I spend the bulk of my waking hours working for two greedy owners who want to open the office before Governor Baker allows it. During the 5 plus years I have worked there, I have tried so hard to demonstrate my diligence, talent, work ethic and ability to work well with others.

The thanks we are getting for being loyal employees is having our lives literally risked. Putting us all back together again in the office as they plan to do in early May could literally kill some of us. I hope my work friend, Bud Flounders, stays home anyway. He is high risk at age 67 and one lung. It's bad enough to lose 3 people that I don't know (friends of friends) let alone people who are so dear to me as he is.

I woke up this morning and thought, fuck them, I'm doing very little today. Then I thought, no, that kind of attitude is a reflection on me, not them. No matter the circumstances, I still need to bring my A game, if only for myself.

Someday, someday, someday, I hope to get the hell out of here. I will. I am diligent. I didn't survive childhood just to throw in the towel when I am so close to retirement. More importantly, my life outside of work is worth living.